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Posts Tagged ‘Depression’

BUTTERFLY

I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME

2/8/11

Copy Write 2011 Gordon Kuhn

Who are you?

Where are you?

I spent the better part of the day fighting for your life

do you understand that?

Yet I don’t know you

butterfly.

I and others dealt with the strife

you dropped in our lives this day

and we worked to help you in life to stay

and yet we know not who or where you are

tell me,

butterfly,

are you close or are you far?

Have your wings found the burning match?

You tumbled out and left the door to your soul standing wide

your fragile wings took to the air

and left us to stare at the empty spot

where you left an opening to read your thoughts

of which in ache you confide

the transformation cocoon you left behind

and your poetry screams out in pain

and now in anger I stand and yell at you.

Damn you!

Damn you

gentle butterfly.

Christ, pills scattered across the table top.

A woman drowning reaching for the surface.

Your video of  your daughters left behind

in memory of some happy time.

And mentions abuse and being left and leaving.

It all leaps across the electronic page

stumbles drunkenly across the stage

rushes headlong towards and ending I know not when and

of life and touches deeply hearts you don’t even know.

Do you not even care about the damage you’ve left in your wake?

But the final deed of selfish intent upon us you now bestow

you say

good by

and

good night

as  though going out for a walk

and leave us here now with our fright for thee

as the shadows lengthen and the trace of you is growing thin

as we unite and fight and pray for you

but we don’t know your name

butterfly.

Is this to be the last bit of fame?

Is this the end of your flickering flame?

Is this where ends your last song of another’s shame

that left you battered, bruised, too weak to give out your name?

Am I to be your helpless pall bearer?

Am I and the others simple pawns in the fight against death?

Yes, and my anger grows hot at this error

you’ve placed so many of us in bewildered terror

you wish to somehow drop without any shame

yet you stand and cry out in pain

and sweep us up along with you

and I don’t——damn you——damn us

I don’t even know your name.

Is our fight, our battle is it in vain?

Can nothing stop your onward rush

to meet death with out a blush

without a hush

without a——

Oh God,

oh, butterfly

I don’t even know your name.

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IT’S FOUR AM

It’s Four AM

2/3/2011

Copy Write 2011 Gordon Kuhn

 

 

It’s four AM

Captain Morgan knows my name

He’s aglow with fame and standing just behind

The cabinet near the floor nearby the office door

Where the liquor hides from public view

But through the wood the voices pay their due

To invite the weaker of the men to forget the oath not to sin

If sin it is to imbibe in a holy ritual to subscribe

And thus the men stand in complete divide

As one they cannot cope with the other there

And neither wishes for the other’s irritated stare

But both must truly in thought explore that which divides

For nothing can separate but that which hides

And neither the other wins when one the other chides

And once the glass is lifted the two become the one

And the one wishes the night to continue and not see the coming sun.

 

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THE GIRL WHO LIVED BEHIND

 

Copy Write © 2010 Gordon Kuhn

 

 

 

 

The quiet girl who lived behind

most surely, slowly lost her mind

for cursed she was in her mother’s womb

she now sleeps, lays lonely in her tomb.

 

Her spirit un-trapped from flesh and bone

by knife’s edge she worked to hone

and laid her down in water warm

her thoughts now resting from their desperate swarm.

 

The cut was quick, the blade was swift

and she began in slight pain to drift

and dreamt of days that might have been

were it not her curse from some unknown sin.

 

That left her born an unpleasant sight

though she wished with all her might

for one dance at her high school prom

for one date with a boy named Tom.

 

The dog she loved had been recent put away

and now she had not any need to stay

So alone she laid within her bath

and as the world slipped she gave a laugh.

 

At an empty thought, the joke of life

for which for her had been but strife

she came, years later, stood next to me

two men, not known, spoke that she was now free.

 

The shackles, bondage had slipped away

as life had drained she could not stay

but came years later wanting me to know

that she had simply had to go

 

And had wept that faultless night

her eyes burning in clouded sight

and stood before a bathroom mirror

and cursed her life, deaths’ choice the clearer.

 

The door had closed, I simply had to go

not knowing what to say, the tears did flow

an offer made by she for me to stay

but I had to leave to go my way.

 

Disturbed, I found her birthright curse

not grown enough myself to nurse

the lost and lonely bare laid feeling there

the hungry haunting sadly painful stare.

 

And I in shame did in wild confusion slink away

while she said welcome, come please stay

stay this night and warm my bed

or else a broken heart shall leave me dead.

 

A friend is all I need, nothing else

a friend is all I want, nothing else.

Years passed and she sudden came

not to cast any shame or blame.

 

Simply to say she’d passed and gone her way.

But, now her presence comes unexpected this day

not to haunt and not to play,

but, just to say, she could not stay.

 

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HOW STRANGE THE NIGHT BEFORE ME SPREAD
1/19/2011
Gordon Kuhn © 2011

How strange the night before me spread
as I was taken firmly by a vapor hand
taken from my sleeping bed
while she whom I had recent wed
still slept near where I’d lain my head
and came to find myself being ghostly led
while about me swirled an odd lit land
whose face was naught but singular bled
from darkness deepened beyond darkest dread
past doorways with windowless voices
which spoke of myriads of choices
paths to unknown forces
where gates hung loosely open
no entry words need be spoken
but at length I soon saw through the gloom
and recognized the coming doom
and reaching out I then attacked the evil
that held my hand in deep despair
forced it from its bloody lair
and thus in that world caused upheaval.

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Wakened by a Scream

1/13/2011

Gordon Kuhn

Copy Write 2011 by Gordon Kuhn

I was wakened by a sudden scream,

the sound exploded in the darkest hours

engulfed and filled the silent room

silent lit by a full and shining blood-red moon.

I was jerked out,

tumbled out,

forced from a pleasant dream,

to lay in a tormented bed,

in wide eyed surprise,

affright from toe to head,

trying my best how to surmise,

what lay next in life,

did in concealment lie.

In fear then was led.

in silent memory anguish fed,

guilt for sins unleashed to tread

upon issues long thought dead.

Not breathing,

afraid to move.

afraid to live,

afraid to die,

my mind was seething,

afraid the world was passing by,

and no mark upon it had I made,

as if in life,

I had not ever been or stayed.

And listened to my heart,

beating beneath the sheets,

and knew there was,

——no one there,

that I was all alone,

just me,

just me with the moon,

a giant blood-red moon,

silent peeking in the room

the very silent lonely room,

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FRIGHTENED

FRIGHTENED

by

Gordon Kuhn

Copy write 2010 © Gordon Kuhn

It’s six in the morning.

My nephew and his wife have gone.

I sit in their basement apartment,

alone——

trapped.

It is Chicago outside.

Ah, sweet Old Windy.

I grew up here.

But——

I am afraid.

God, so afraid.

Why do I fear?

What do I fear?

I know this place.

I hear the sound of traffic

moving along arteries

not far from where I sit

alone——

trapped.

God, I grew up here!

Yet now I’m a visitor from some strange planet

where stalking others is the game of the day

and returned I somehow lost my way.

Yet, I fear.

And, yet I fear.

I fear and wish to run from this place.

To take my car

the only place I feel secure

warm and safe within——

and run.

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HOW CAME THIS FEELING

12/25/2010

Copy Write © 2010 Gordon Kuhn

How came this feeling of being——alone

set apart from others who seem to easily, openly share

round about me, as I inwardly feel the cool of stone

my timing is so awkward in attempts to find a way to share

and my voice comes to me as though in an emotionless drone

while others seem to shine and with each word spoken there

match the others in easy developed vocal tone

but I feel and fear it is not the same with me

nor ever was, or ever should, or could ever be

but, even still, the feeling lasts that in someway I am——alone.

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MELANCHOLY WISPS OF FEELINGS SILENT SLIP December 19, 2010 Copy Write 2010 Gordon Kuhn  

Melancholy wisps of feelings silent slip to come firmly into place,

then lock themselves tightly in as a broken puzzle would

in mass confusion, spaces filled with misaligned

if not brooding pieces were lifeless left, to complete the mess

and in nightmare could provide the stress not assigned

while I sit and stare off into a simple, soundless empty space

no thoughts given to the cause. Nay, no to any trace.

Mental grown rose petals there,

that once caused thoughts to stop and stare

now dark turn and tumbling fall from God’s sweet grace.

Broken free from their mother’s wooden lifeless teat

cast off, forced off, did they not cry out at the rend?

or, instead dead were before the end,

lost their hold on natures life granting seat.

Brittle left, fragrance gone, surrendered to the wind,

they then come and crumble into nature’s waiting soot

to disappear where they landed put

no comment, no word, no letter did they outward send

and there a part of earthen soil their ashes soon with little thought

of how once their beauty had with awe been sought

now beneath a crushing careless boot to death are put

while stale grey, ink-grey clouds leaded down with heavy remorse

stretch out flat across the gentle, blue-stained concourse

where no winged, hopeful creatures will be or have taken to the air

none could as simply put there are none who any longer care

no simple thoughts of buoyant anticipation that realm did or could open

share

with another, while damped down, smashed down, in growing depth of

deadly deep despair

while bottomless waters lap at the oar-less boat left floating, drifting with a

cut and trailing rope

that lay drifting in a twisted, curving line.

The craft’s destination left unplanned.

Its cockpit deserted, empty and unmanned.

Boat and line left floating without any clear design

of goal to reach, no course in mind, no map or compass to remind

but trailing, points the way back to where once lived hope.

But hope has passed away, and no longer has its due;

for hope had perished, left to lay still and lifeless

upon the dock where once the world seemed so bright and strife-less.

But then despair—— its life coldly, boldly took and slew

before turning to slice a cut through the boats single safety line

that never had before lost its contact with the safety of that which once kept the craft tethered unharmed through the moving, ever changing passage of

what we call time

but in this wild purchase of despair that which we called protector, safety

calmly slept.

================================
By Gordon Kuhn

Author of Widow’s Cliff and Other Poems
Buy or view the book at:
http://www.amazon.com/Widows-Cliff-Other-Poems/dp/1451534493/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1290915007&sr=1-2

OR You can go to Barnes & Noble and order it there.
Simply type in The Widow’s Cliff and Other Poems in the search box and order the book.

MY BLOGS:
Poet in the Rain: https://gkpoems.wordpress.com/
Thoughts: http://gordonwrites.com/
Prince of Dan: http://theprinceofdan.blogspot.com/

==============================================

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The Girl Who Lived Behind 

Copy Write © 2010 Gordon Kuhn

 

The quiet girl who lived behind

most surely, slowly lost her mind

for cursed she was in her mother’s womb

she now sleeps, lays lonely in her tomb.

Her spirit un-trapped from flesh and bone

by knife’s edge she worked to hone

and laid her down in water warm

her thoughts now resting from their desperate swarm.

The cut was quick, the blade was swift

and she began in slight pain to drift

and dreamt of days that might have been

were it not her curse from some unknown sin.

That left her born an unpleasant sight

though she wished with all her might

for one dance at her high school prom

for one date with a boy named Tom.

The dog she loved had been recent put away

and now she had not any need to stay

So alone she laid within her bath

and as the world slipped she gave a laugh.

At an empty thought, the joke of life

for which for her had been but strife

she came, years later, stood next to me

two men, not known, spoke that she was now free.

The shackles, bondage had slipped away

as life had drained she could not stay

but came years later wanting me to know

that she had simply had to go

And had wept that faultless night

her eyes burning in clouded sight

and stood before a bathroom mirror

and cursed her life, deaths’ choice the clearer.

The door had closed, I simply had to go

not knowing what to say, the tears did flow

an offer made by she for me to stay

but I had to leave to go my way.

Disturbed, I found her birthright curse

not grown enough myself to nurse

the lost and lonely bare laid feeling there

the hungry haunting sadly painful stare.

And I in shame did in wild confusion slink away

while she said welcome, come please stay

stay this night and warm my bed

or else a broken heart shall leave me dead.

A friend is all I need, nothing else

a friend is all I want, nothing else.

Years passed and she sudden came

not to cast any shame or blame.

Simply to say she’d passed and gone her way.

But, now her presence comes unexpected this day

not to haunt and not to play,

but, just to say, she could not stay.

Read Full Post »

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